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Parental Guidance is Suggested

01 Sep 2015

The Actual Blog Post

For years, I’ve maintained a list of personally-authored, would-be Facebook status-updates that, in a perfect world, I’d LIKE to post, but due to there actually being social consequences for the things we say and do, I don’t. The document, entitled “2 Hot 4 Facebook,” consists mostly of personal commentary on current events, political opinions, things that aren’t that bad, but just wouldn’t work without very carefully-placed, but heavy-hitting swear words — just a real mix of stuff. You know when you check out a “hot-button” or whatever article that someone posted and then you read through all of the pitifully misinformed comments that follow it and you think, “I could destroy this conversation with my perfectly-tempered, machine-tested logic”? Those are exactly the times that I close Facebook and add the thought to my special list.

So, now you know about the list.

The other day, after adding a new entry to the bottom, I decided to read through the entire document in a walk-down-Memory-Lane sort of way, which is when I re-encountered this jammer:

“I’ve never tested this under laboratory conditions, but I’m fairly certain that if I were shown a trailer for an action film/thriller that I knew nothing about, I could pause the video in the middle of the lightning-fast-cuts/action-montage-section less than one second before the obligatory shot of heterosexuals, like, deep-Frenching each other.”

Explanatory Note

If you’re not sure what the above statement is referring to: Here. Are. A. Few. Examples.

I had never even heard of Jupiter Ascending. I found those five trailers by simply searching for a list of action movies from the last few years and then watching the last forty-seconds or so of the ones that either had no advertisements or advertisements fewer than five-seconds long.

Back To It

I don’t remember precisely why past-Joel thought this particular would-be status-update was 2 hot 4 Facebook, but I’m guessing it had to do with the “deep-Frenching” part. While, clearly, I don’t have a problem writing “deep-Frenching” on the Internet, I know that Facebook is desperately trying to compile a complete, digital version of my personality, so purposefully and directly feeding it the phrase “deep-Frenching” seems somewhat irresponsible. And, yes, you’re right, I could’ve changed the wording around, but I really feel like “deep-Frenching” gets across how crass, infantile, and absurd the whole thing is in a way that few expressions can.

I mention all of this to say that this status-update-which-never-was, combined with me needing to try a few things out with some new software, prompted me to write my own score for an imaginary action film/thriller trailer. Music being music, I feel like there doesn’t even need to be any accompanying imagery to know what this film would be about and/or how it ends. And, more importantly, I think we can all agree that the cut to the heterosexuals deep-Frenching would come in at about the :41s mark.

WORTH LOOKING INTO ALERT: This not only appears to be my SECOND blog-post that makes repeated use of the word “Frenching,” but in the first one, I didn’t capitalize “Frenching”.

In Blog, Hard Bloggin', Just For Fun

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